I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
