saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
