just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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