He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
