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70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
