Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
being pregnant is like rehab
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
