She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I love having hate sex.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
