she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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