it's too hot outside to masturbate.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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