Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
