she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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