I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
