Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
