Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
