the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
