my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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