Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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