It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
