Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
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you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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