I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
