Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
