So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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