Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
