if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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