your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
