My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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