So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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