Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
