Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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