Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
