it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
