one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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