Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
