I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
