mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
