Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
