I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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