I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
