i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
