i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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