I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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