I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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