Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
