sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Are my feet made of real feet?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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