your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
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At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
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Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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