Tell her she can't have a vagina
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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