idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
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Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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