Please, let me fuck your mom
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
