Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
