I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
