So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
