Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
