I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
