I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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