i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
