so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
