Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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