just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
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I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
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So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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