dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
